A Neurodivergent Lense: Twenty-Five and Counting

Twenty-Five and Counting

My mind has always been an internal yet external being of my life. As a whole, my life resembles a "fit to full screen" effect. It's like having to shape, crop, and turn the image until it fits properly like the perfect photo you would see on social media. The process causes information overload, panic attacks, and strong feelings of guilt and shame. Even without proper and constructive resources, I have learned to self teach and consider helpful techniques to avoid negative impacts.

No one would ever guess that this mindset is a full-time job to understand. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was just 4 years old. In my research I have learned that although it is unlikely to receive a diagnoses under age 7, the average child with a more severe line of symptoms is usually diagnosed between 3-5 years of age.

When I finally realized that ADHD was the driver to most of my struggles, I decided to try to understand how and why it happens, and how I could help it.

Research and studies were in the very beginning stages and I remember the only reality for me at that time was being "different" and needing medication to be "normal". I remember the elders saying "well, did she take her medication" or "did you take your medication". I heard this more then any other sentence growing up. I started to adjust to the fact that medication was what seperated me from everyone else, it was the "cure" to me, apparently.

As I grew older, the medication was nice for sure, it helped me stay away from extreme situations but as I aged I also realized the mental strain of the condition was building up and causing a serious amount of pain in me. There were still a lot of factors that were not being cared for. This story starts when I was really young.

When I was around 7 I was given an IPRC in school which did not help at all. In fact, I just remember my mom arguing with teachers to try and get me some extra help but instead I was being looked at like I just shouldn't be focused on or worried about. I was sort of left on the side which left everyone else confused on how or what to do to help me. I was pressured to form like everyone else, and when I didn't, pure shame and guilt was felt.

I felt more alone then anything ever, the discovery here was that I had to be string for myself and make my best effort. I believe that structure would have helped me understand to look at things differently and to live differently.

I was the "problem" child that just needed to be monitored all of the time and told "no". I was a mental project that was directed away from as many careless mistakes I could potentially make, but I still was never sure of who I was or why I was like that.

By the time I hit my teens I was really trying to fit in because I realized everyone around me was having fun hanging out with other people, but I struggled. By this time in my life I can genuinely say I felt hated by the world. I was finally aware that something was keeping me from living happily but I still didn't realize it was ADHD. I still felt like an extremely energized and angry child. I started questioning myself a lot and I started trying to understand why I was angry and just not at all feeling happy. I would spend a lot of time crying and worried about my future.

Time took a toll on me and I ended up with insomnia, anxiety and depression. At this time, I was still not opening up or speaking to anyone about this. I can safely admit that these issues are still unique to me, it's just a process of understanding and loving oneself.

There were a lot of moments in my 25 years where I would have believed there was a something controlling me and my mind but I have always been wise enough to know this isn't a possibility. I just hit a low point where I had no idea why I was here, what was wrong with me, why I couldn't make friends, why I struggled with communication.

No one saw that there was more to it, not even me.

When I was 12 I started researching ADHD to see if I could find anything that resonated or that could help me. I learned that the condition was frowned upon so I was taken by surprise and continued to supress it. I spent the next 8 years making mistakes that I would soon learn from, and I also went back and forth trying different ways to be happy. This was the process of becoming something I would like, and it meant copying happy people. I do not recommend this at all, and this is why I chose to share my experiences.

The end result of this was, what I believed at the time, was me giving up on trying to fit in. I decided I didn't like being around anyone, I felt a lot of guilt. This was more serious than I thought.

My early 20s became interesting, this is when I was in college. Now most of the people in my life were shocked by this achievement because growing up I really was a volcano waiting to erupt, I'm not sure anyone knew what would happen in my future. I was all over the place as a child.

College was not easy. It was around here that I was questioning my own mental illness. I had a lot of people who learned of my ADHD and said "yeah okay, that's a load of crap, you went to college". So my life twisted into some sort of expectation path, and I pushed myself to failure because I ignored my disabilities and failed to help myself when I really needed it.

Life started to settle for me and I was sure I was in the right place, but I was not. I started to think "Oh great, I'm doing good, I can make this work."

I ended up switching programs a few times and lost my direction, I only felt good that I was finally doing good. I felt so lost in everything, all I knew at that time was that I had to prove to everyone I could be normal too. I was wrong. I soon learned that I would accept myself for who I was and embrace it.

I spent about 4-5 years head deep into accomplishments and proving myself, proving I could be a working member of society and worth something. I ran a chocolate factory as a general manager for roughly 5 years (another great accomplishment). So, the family was impressed, the old friends were impressed, but I was still on eggshells, because I still woke up everyday feeling a certain way. Where was I going with this?

Fast forward to 2020, I was laid off due to the Global Pandemic of 2019 and it was the first time in all of these years I stopped fighting to be "as good" as others. It was the first time I could sit with myself and make myself feel better. I wanted to be as good as I could be, but for me. I decided to research ADHD again. This time was exciting. I discovered CADDAC and CHADD. I discovered useful apps and resources that I had never seen before. I was seeing my entire life written into paragraphs and books and stories and it was mouth-dropping to see the amount of love, and care, and support out there. The amount of others who experienced similar events and feelings is exciting and has driven my purpose of sharing.

What really shocked me though was, the idea that ADHD is not a "bad" disorder. In fact, it has now been perceived as a different "type" of brain, and is just as amazing as a neurotypical brain. This was the first time I ever felt seen. The first time I felt like I could actually be worth something. The first time I felt supported.

I began watching videos and webinars and learning of others experiences. My biggest takeaway is how incredibly smart we are in a different way, and how common it really is. I spent the next year focusing on all that I learned and seen. I can gratefully say that today, I am more happy then I have been my entire life, thanks to the support of others.

I have never felt a purpose that was so real and inspiring.

It's safe to say I lost a lot of my own happiness as a child. I was focusing so much on the medication being the "cure" to me, that I failed to embrace the world around me and live it. I can openly admit that medication is definitely a benefit but those who are blessed with a brain similar to mine would value so much more from the support of others in addition.

When we talk about education specifically, I can say first hand what it would do for a child who is experiencing something similar to what I did. It would benefit and help improve incredibly.

Education is what drives our future, and I think if there is a decent percentage of individuals who are gifted in this way, real value can come from us. Imagine a world with individuals who have hyperfocusing, interest-based creativity, and whole hearts? Imagine what we could do? Imagine the future generations and how inspiring the planet would be if the skills we hid were encouraged?

Education and life-long creativity is what drives our future generations and ADHD is valuable to pursue this.

Growing up I may have been separated and questioned, and it definitely showed. But I also remember finding so much joy in activities no one else could possibly understand. I was the techy that everyone knew would be able to figure out the most insane and complicated projects. I was rarely lazy and I found joy in pretty much every new challenge. If I didn't, I found another challenge. Growing up I focused on the bad parts of adhd and never the good, it was unhealthy. If I could go back and focus on the good things to help improve the bad, I would have been a much happier child growing up.

Now, every individual with adhd will have a different story to tell because on top of living with a condition that is finally being understood, every life path is different too. The connected truth is that we are amazing, and we are capable of so much that the world has stopped us from expressing. I was told not to tell anyone I had this condition because it is "so frowned upon" but instead I have decided to embrace it and hopefully inspire others who can relate.

I am now an adult with a beautiful daughter, I am corporate safety and security certified, a licensed agent, and I am also a G licensed driver with a sport luxury car of my choice. I think believing in who you are and having supports who believe the same thing is the real treatment to this.

Yes, it is possible to gain happiness through self-help like I did but, the real game changer is the support of others. The journey never ends, I found resources over 2 years ago and I am excited to learn more and look back to this story in 5 and 10 years. I have learned that the greatest mover for me is having attainable goals and working for them. My current goal is to help increase my quality of life and you will likely be seeing that in future posts. Every part of life is a new chapter and with every chapter I want to bring forth more of the things I learn about myself. The journey never ends!

Education, support, and inspiring stories. ✨❤ This has been a story through my neurodivergent lense. I hope this inspires others because no matter how hard a challenge may be, we really are the best at challenging it, so let's keep challenging the world!